People ask me quite often why I don't have any friends or seem to mind terribly, and why I'm not in different ministries at church to "meet people" and make friends. I tell them I'm best friends with my mom and that I enjoy just hanging out with my family, and that I really don't mind not having other friends, because I just don't have the time or whatever crap comes to mind.
The truth is, I don't have friends because they won't have me. I have nothing to offer as far as social standing goes, no money to speak of, nothing in my life of great interest, average conversational skills at best... Whatever their reasons, most people at church don't care to have me, so I have shielded myself from their inevitable rejection by withdrawing completely from the social scene. The only time I do anything without my family is when I volunteer in the Office for a scant four or five hours, usually making phone calls in seclusion. When I am free to talk, only the Interns are even close to my age (all of them are over twenty, and I just turned a very boring nineteen); the only conversations I have are with adults. Very rarely do I get to talk with the Guys, and even then, they're just, well... guys.
It's been this way almost as long as I can remember. I connect well with adults, can get along reasonably well with guys, and not all that well with other girls. I've never had a single real friend. The best friends I've ever had were boys. Maybe because they weren't subconsciously competing with me, maybe because their thought processes were simpler, maybe even sometimes just because they thought I was cute; whatever the reason, whenever the tolerant clique of the moment "downsized" it was me who was always "let go".
I spent years in constant fellowship with kids my age utterly ignored by everyone around me, screaming inside for someone, anyone, to reach out and save me from my loneliness, but they were all too busy chasing after the popular people to stop and say hello to a nobody like me. So beautiful, so superficial, so fake, so hypocritical; the more I saw of my peers, the more I was able to convince myself that my lifelong search for friendship wasn't worth it. Things only got worse with the birth of MySpace; I was appalled at what people would post about themselves and others, the sin they would not only inadvertently expose in their own lives, but flaunt so brazenly, and in disbelief at how these kids were allowed to remain in ministry, accoladed and promoted for their "godliness". It just made me sick.
So I tried a home Bible study close by, led by one of our youth leaders, frequently by many of those in prominent places in ministry. I attended for over a year, and never did find acceptance among the phony hypocrites that they by and large turned out to be. I was always there, but they didn't seem to have room in their cliques for me.
Today I heard That One Guy In Particular talking to another intern how he was hanging out at the beach with some of these very people yesterday, and I thought my heart would stop. Does he know who these creatures are? After watching them all these years, I can see that they are exactly the kind of users he has been dealing with his entire life as The PK at our church; why would he open himself up to that again? Is it simply that since we in the Office turned out not to be that way like he had originally assumed, he has let down his guard completely? Or was he really just one of Them all along?
People ask me a lot why I'm not in fellowship, why I don't seem to care whether or not I have any friends, and social life whatsoever. This is exactly why.
"But I know you, that you do not have the love of God in you." -John 5:42
I hear your cry and understand... will pray for you...
ReplyDeleteenjoy what is coming!
God bless
Chris :)
Erin,
ReplyDeleteRan across your blog looking for the Bible verse you had posted at the top of this note. . .I'm not sure I have ever seen anyone detail a story so familiar, so close to my own.
Please, please, please remember that no matter how rejected you feel, these people are not necessarily horrible, awful, fake Christian. They may not be who you think they are.
I am in the exact same camp concerning social skills and what I would have to offer a potential friend (zero), but senior year God opened up a door to reconnect with a girl who had abandoned me for the cooler girls in 6th grade and hadn't really spoken to me since. And I found that I had completely misjudged her because I remembered her only in the context of the hurt she had caused me.
Here at school (I'm a freshman in college), the LORD has given me a couple of friends, but two of them are VERY good friends. Being close with your family (another similarity--I am super close with my parents and my 10 siblings) is a great thing, but remember that just as much as you want somebody to reach out to you, you need to look for ways to encourage and reach out to others. Sometimes what I perceived to be others not wanting me was their struggling with how to approach me because I'm so different from them (case study--I'm a geeky bookworm and these other people were cool athletes. They weren't being stuck up by ignoring me, they just didn't think I'd want to have anything to do with them).
Strive not to judge whether or not somebody else "has the love of God in [them]." And let the Lord break you out of your shell. I won't lie. It's painful. It's awkward. It will hurt sometimes. But being open and vulnerable like that will let you be open to God using you in awesome ways.
Sorry for the rambling long post, but I was just so excited to see somebody who has lived a life like mine.
God bless you!
Thank you all for your kindness and prayers! I am happy to report that my sad situation has been happily reversed in the last year or so, by the grace of God! I continue to be amazed at how many people tell me similar stories about how this post touched their lives -- it's all the Lord!
ReplyDeleteK:
ReplyDeleteI too lived the same life that you have described and I too found your blog with searching for this bible verse for Sunday School. I adopted the same tact that you have to just get through all the drama and games that people love to perpetuate. I made it successfully through and am now 52 years old and loved by the woman that God has blessed me with, though I will never understand how I could have deserved His blessings in this wonderful woman. You are wise beyond your years and be certain that He has you in His hand and His plan for your life is in His control. The people that you speak of are also His children, even if they don't know it yet, and they will learn of His plan as well, in their time. Meanwhile, you should continue on your journey of spiritual worship and continue to be "transformed" by the renewing of your mind. Try not to be too hard on the others as they make their way through the "worldly" mess that they have to navigate. Our Lord will guide them in their time according to His plan. I am glad to know that you are being blessed and that His provisions are filling your life with more joy and peace as the fruits of your faith in Him. Be well and be blessed.